After a million year hiatus…OK…maybe about two years…I decided to make good on my new year’s resolution and actually make an effort to go on dates. The resolution was to put myself out there more and meet new people since one of my life goals is to get married at some point; and at the big 3-0, I’m not really getting any younger. Side note, supposedly it is all downhill from here, but Jay-Z said 30 is the new 20, so maybe I can buy myself a few years here? Back to the blog, as I have started to jump into the dating pool once again, I have noticed a few things. Some of them about myself, some that others make about me, and a few general things in dating.
I’m fragile. At least that’s the impression I seem to give to girls. I did not really understand what this meant the first time I heard it. And then I did what every over analyzer does in this situation; I flipped the script and took a look at it from another perspective, my own. Who would I be concerned about dating due the fact that I would be scared of “breaking” them? Nice girls. Figures, I’ve been called a nice guy enough to be a billionaire 5 times over if people paid me a quarter every time they said it. So girls, I get you. I’m fragile. I would not want to break a nice girl’s heart, and you don’t want to break mine. Only problem with this b*llsh*t is that you have just admitted to me that you are judgmental. Lightweight deal breaker in my book.
As I’ve gotten older, one thing I realized is that we all have different stories. All that sh*t you hear on those talk shows about people having f*cked up childhoods that actually affect their growth and well being are actually true. SMH. Who would have f*cking known? I admittedly did not. I grew up pretty easy. My family stayed together. My parents raised me right (I think? hahaha). But it doesn’t mean that I didn’t have to develop thick skin or went through my own issues. Readers of my blog know that I am not shy to admit some of the trauma I’ve felt from growing up overweight. I have a 10+ page blog about it that just got way too personal to publish, but one drunken day I might pull it out of the vault. Lesson here, don’t let a good thing slip away because of what you think you know. On the same level, don’t assume you know the expectations of the other person when you haven’t even talked to them about it yet (this is a direct message to some people who I know read my blog and have yet to take this advice…haha).
Girls have some intense defense mechanisms programmed in them. And these mechanisms are set on auto start as soon as you meet them. All the “game” bullsh*t that guys have to come up with just to find out a name (that may or may not be real) is really just a strategical tactic to break down this defense. It may sound hilarious right now, but it is so f*cking true. Now say you get passed this defense mechanism, you are in right? Wrong. So far all you have done is gotten past the gate to the estate. Little did you know, there are 10 Doberman guard dogs ready to attack you. SMH. Assuming you actually have a personality and can get past the attack dog stage, maybe you make yourself into the house. Cool right? Once again, no! Instead of being asked if you would like something to drink, you have really just walked yourself into a fun house full of mirrors and trap doors. I swear, the number of walls and hoops you have to jump over and through is endless. Once you think you have conquered something, there is that bucket of water hanging over the door, ready to fall on top of your head as soon as you pass through.
In all seriousness, girls’ defense mechanisms are equivalent to guys’ insecurities and fears. Most guys have a fear of approaching, girls are the same. The fear of approaching is due to a fear of rejection, well, we’re all humans and the fear of rejection is present in both sexes as well. Once you get passed all this, there’s the fear of embarrassment or looking like you don’t know what to do. That exists in both too. So far, my method to combat these things has been to openly communicate. Faking it to make it will only last so long and the answers are far more complicated than any book can tell you, so just admit when you don’t know or aren’t sure. It’s not that bad. If you get laughed at or ridiculed, you probably don’t need to be with that person anyway. Not the kind of people you want to let into your circle. Besides, the one who laughs is probably the one with the real issues in this situation. Read: defense mechanism.
OK, enough being somewhat funny, yet enlightening, and to get my inner white pants wearing Drake on. I always hear and read about how previous relationships (whether serious or not) can leave a lasting impression on you. In other words, how previous relationships can traumatize your beliefs in the other person. Maybe I was naïve (OK I still am) in thinking that everyone can start with a clean slate. But I was talking to my therapists or friends, whatever you want to call them, and they made me realize that I have a collection of traumatizing events that have shaped my views and thinking today. It’s never fair when you let the past affect your future, especially when it comes to other people, so I feel pretty terrible about this. Another mental mountain to climb up and over, but I think I’m in decent shape, so it shouldn’t feel that bad.